13. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
12. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
11. Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
10. Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
9. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
8. When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
7. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
6. If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing
5. The kid/parent contract. Unenforceable, yet you feel like you didn’t completely cave.
4. Son, when you participate in sporting events – it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.
3. Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!
2. Son, a woman is a lot like a… a refrigerator! They’re about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and… um… Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.
1. Books are useless: I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird” – and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but what good does THAT do me?