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25 Greatest Jimmy Kimmel Quotes

November 12, 2015 By Quotes for Bros

Jimmy Kimmel is one of the biggest names in late night television. He is the host of Jimmy Kimmel Live, a show that has seen various celebrity guests and big names. We decided to compile the 25 Greatest Jimmy Kimmel Quotes so far in celebration of his continuous late night television success.

Kimmel has a long list of celebrity friends but at the top of it is SiriusXM talk show host, Howard Stern. He recently appeared on Stern’s radio show and Stern returned the favor by appearing on Kimmel’s welcome to Brooklyn special. You can check out our list of the 25 Greatest Jimmy Kimmel Quotes.

“The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that’s not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That’s the reality of it.”

“I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps.”

“How is it possible that no one has invented a puppy that stays a puppy?”

“Leno was so great when he was a guest on Letterman. Great, great. I just think he’s worked it too hard. I think he turned comedy into factory work — and it comes across. It’s just amazing how insecure he is.”

“No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.”

“A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we’re falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids’ costumes.”

“If you don’t have a crazy Facebook friend, you are the crazy Facebook friend.”

“Really, the reason I got into show business is I wanted to be David Letterman’s friend. There are kids in high school, and this guy’s a baseball player, this guy’s on the wrestling team, this guy is really smart. I was the guy who watched David Letterman. I watched every night on a little black-and-white TV at my desk. I wanted to be an artist at that point, so I’d draw and watch the show all night.”

“It’s funny how all of this has worked out – I wasn’t popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I’m throwing up.”

“Here’s what I don’t understand about rioting. If you’re going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.”

“The people who host the red carpet preview shows don’t know it, but they died and are in hell.”

“When Conan first came on, I thought, This guy is going to be great. A lot of silly and smart stuff. I thought, When this guy smoothes out, he’s going to be real good. He never smoothed out.”

“If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it’s that they’re almost entirely scripted.”

“McDonald’s has announced that for the next month in the United Kingdom, Happy Meals will come with a book instead of a toy. And they will be renamed ‘Disappointment Meals.'”

“I don’t want to ruin it for you, but at the end, Voldemort kills Harry with a fairly vicious atomic wedgie.”

“It’s insane that America votes for Jay. It’s my biggest fear. Everybody says it’s going to be great; everybody is positive. But in a world where Jay Leno beats David Letterman every night, you can’t be sure of anything. You really can’t.”

“On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it’s daytime.”

“The number of households that own a television set is down for the first time since they started the survey. This is America! The only excuse for not having a TV in your home is, you’re too fat to fit into Best Buy to get one.”

“Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it’s because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it’s an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it’s not terrorism. Maybe it’s Maybelline.” 

“How much crack does a mayor have to smoke to win Person of the Year?”

“I never imagined being on television.”

“Hollywood police used ‘non-lethal bean bags’ to control a crowd that was rioting. Is there such a thing as lethal bean bags? If the riot escalated, they were authorized to switch to Marshmallow Peeps.”

“I don’t know if we can call ourselves everyday Joes. I think Supermen is more appropriate. We’re just trying to take back the medium we invented!”

“You know what the most dangerous neighborhood in the country is right now? The comments section on every webpage… No sane person would ever say the kind of things that they write online to someone face-to-face. If you did, you’d get killed.”

“That’s my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don’t.”

Filed Under: Celebrity Quotes Tagged With: Jimmy Kimmel and Howard Stern, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Jimmy Kimmel Quotes, Kimmel, Late Night, Quotes

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